NYC Mayor Bloomberg…
Thursday, June 14th, 2012… is releasing a new set of proposed regulations to further wrap the warm sloppy vagina of government around it’s infantile slave population.
“New York Style” pizza will now refer to tofu paste on baked kale instead of the shitty grease laden cheese on a cracker it used to be.
Blowjobs with swallowing will be banned due to the unregulated sodium content. The “Spit to stay fit!” ad campaign touting the new policy to debut in NYC third grade classrooms this fall, followed shortly by visits from “Handjob Hanna and the Bukkake kids” musical puppet show for grades K-2 (Including the hit singles “Sticky isn’t icky!” and “Your face is the place!”)
Along with popcorn container size being regulated at the movie theaters, the glue-like artificial butter coating the floors will be replaced with liposuction fat.
Interested citizens will be trained to perform colonoscopies with their iPhones. This policy has wide spread support in the Chelsea and Greenwich Village neighborhoods. Some residents say these policies stretch the relationship between city and citizen to an uncomfortable size, but most are quite comfortable and familiar with where the hand of government is intruding.
All Cheetos will be confiscated, ground into powder, and sold to tanning salons in New Jersey.
The only place you’ll find unregulated food with any kind of flavor is on a $20,000 plate at an Obama fundraiser. The people who attend these are nuanced and capable of making wise choices.
And, if Bloomberg gets reelected, all New Yorkers shall be required by the rest of us to never again push the obvious myth that they are independent, tough, self reliant, or worthy of anything but brutal mockery.
You folks in NYC are supposed to be motherfucking adults. Adults who pay 50% of their income in goddamn taxes.
Kick the nanny out of the house and eat whatever the fuck you please.
I like that one! A Cheetos type tan. Slightly orange, but only a different shade of orange that you get from a tanning salon!
I don’t have an iphone, so no colonoscopy for me!
A cheetos tan? I want to see Snookie backed to a delicate “crunch”!!!
Related:
http://www.imao.us/index.php/2012/06/protesters-dump-soda-in-new-york-harbor/
Daywalker,
I just traveled through your local Chicago O’Hare International for a connecting flight. Nice airport, nice folks, but rolling the dice for delayed/cancelled flights. From my past six times through Chicago (three coming, three going) I have been delayed or canceled 50% of the time. I think my civil rights are being impugned. Where is AG Holder to help me out?
Glad to eventually be back on the high plaines of Kansas. After two delays, and a LONG wait of other planes taking off in front of us, the United plane had no booze on board. I just wanted a single Diet Coke and JD. No go.
God bless my wife. She waited for my delayed flight at the ICT airport. Drove me home and poured me a generous George Dickel Tennessee Whiskey over ice BEFORE SHE HAD TO GO TO WORK 3RD SHIFT! I’d marry that Filipina woman again a 1,000 times over.
When do you roll through KS again?
[...] ol’ buddy Graumagus at Frizzen Sparks does his usual burst of snark on the subject. A sample: All Cheetos will be confiscated, ground into powder, and sold to tanning [...]
Nick- dude- what were you doing in Chi town? We could have caught up with ya for a beer during layover!
Rave,
Thanks! Hopefully I will have some business there before long and we can all get together for a drink.
Daywalker,
So 1st shift must be some level of Nirvana, or simply too boring to blog about. No new nemesis, antagonists or numbnuts to deal with? GIve us a verbal visual on the lay of the land.