… is releasing a new set of proposed regulations to further wrap the warm sloppy vagina of government around it’s infantile slave population.
“New York Style” pizza will now refer to tofu paste on baked kale instead of the shitty grease laden cheese on a cracker it used to be.
Blowjobs with swallowing will be banned due to the unregulated sodium content. The “Spit to stay fit!” ad campaign touting the new policy to debut in NYC third grade classrooms this fall, followed shortly by visits from “Handjob Hanna and the Bukkake kids” musical puppet show for grades K-2 (Including the hit singles “Sticky isn’t icky!” and “Your face is the place!”)
Along with popcorn container size being regulated at the movie theaters, the glue-like artificial butter coating the floors will be replaced with liposuction fat.
Interested citizens will be trained to perform colonoscopies with their iPhones. This policy has wide spread support in the Chelsea and Greenwich Village neighborhoods. Some residents say these policies stretch the relationship between city and citizen to an uncomfortable size, but most are quite comfortable and familiar with where the hand of government is intruding.
All Cheetos will be confiscated, ground into powder, and sold to tanning salons in New Jersey.
The only place you’ll find unregulated food with any kind of flavor is on a $20,000 plate at an Obama fundraiser. The people who attend these are nuanced and capable of making wise choices.
And, if Bloomberg gets reelected, all New Yorkers shall be required by the rest of us to never again push the obvious myth that they are independent, tough, self reliant, or worthy of anything but brutal mockery.
You folks in NYC are supposed to be motherfucking adults. Adults who pay 50% of their income in goddamn taxes.
Kick the nanny out of the house and eat whatever the fuck you please.