Drawing a hard line
Monday, December 1st, 2003Ok folks, I have had it. I’ve taken all I can stands and I can’t stands no more.
Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecortaing houses, talking about foreign concepts like “style”, and “fixing” guys like myself. (If you haven’t read it yet, go NOW and read Kim du Toit’s “Pussification of the western male” essay.)
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell “ENOUGH!”
I hearby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual
movement. (I googled “retrosexual” and got a few references, but I hearby officially steal the phrase. Mweh!)
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE GODDAMN DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with shit. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you FUCKING DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he’s 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I’m lookin’ at you)
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the “dealing with shit” portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with “Queer” in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors fuck up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH SHIT. When you fucked up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a fucking windsor knot when wearing a tie (There, Contagion, that made up for the Hot Topic crack)
A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That shit is gay.
However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has enough
wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual’s asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won’t mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won’t mess with ours period.
A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygine products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to fucking DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while your at it.
A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.
A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has fucking gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are fucking TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with shit. Plus it’s just damnned fun to shoot.
These are just the tip of the iceberg. I need help fleshing out The Code. Please let the testosterone flow and add your wisdom.
When a dear friend is injured it is a retrosexuals duty to make sure his buddy is ok, and once that is established, the duty then changes to ridicule over being a dumbshite and getting hurt in the first place. (Special note, this comes from personal experience with you Graumagus, Contagion, Daniel…so I know it to be a neccesary inclusion in the code.)
Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preffered method of release is swearing a throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry include ( but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet ( fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A special note from my wife Patti, this a direct quote
“Chicks don’t date men that are prettier than they are.”
[applause, whistles, cheers]
Well said!
Finding a scratch on the side of your brand new GT Mustang is also reason to cry, momentarily, then the firearm/dealing with shit clause gets put into effect.
I think it should also be re-emphasised that “dealing with shit” refers to much more than just your occassional disaster – I’ve known of way to many guys out there that are willing to be complete leeches off of all those around them, basically going out of their way to avoid having to take any responsibilities in their lives.
Definately not the way of the Real Man.
LOL ‘Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis’ Tho I definately recommend them to all you big-dicked real men out there as well. The size of the tool don’t matter much if ya ain’t got the skills ta use it.
I like what Steve has to say too. In my book a real man is one who isn’t just fucking around(tho’ he may enjoy drinking, smoking, partying, fucking…), he’s not afraid to step up and take responsibility in his life. He knows who he is and he knows who his woman is… Some of the hardest battles aren’t fought with guns and some very heroic people don’t look anything like what we think a hero should.
I think it must be pretty hard to be a man these days. I know it’s damn hard to be a woman. There’s so many contradictions. It’s frustrating to know how to act, how to balance everything-ideals, primal cravings, societal standards, family needs, woman needs, man needs, work, freedom, finances, health… It’s crazymaking. I can definately understand the desire to go retro, to return to a more tribal pattern.
I feel the call myself. Part of me would love to be a tribal woman, tending the hearth, the garden, the children, her husband… But, dude, the world has changed. Bigtime. We have to be heroes in THIS world, the way it is, not the way we wish it was.
I hate to break it to you, but real men come in a lot of different shapes. I’ve even seen some naked, in sweat lodges.
By the way, I really enjoyed this post. You are one funnyass man.
Dammit Grau! You like my clothes! (grumble) BTW the wife read this over my shoulder… prepare for a ball breaking the next time you see her. It took her 4 years to get me out of flannel and plaid…. and now you’re trying to undo her work… sucks to be your left testicle.
I’m proud to be among retrosexuals!
Keep up the awesome posts.
Well said. I’ll be passing this along to a few lady friends. You may not hear from me again.
Bahaha I knew I’d get shit about the clothes crack
.
As for the sweat lodge thing, that’s not that bad, I basically just used it as a setup for the “That’s pussyish but real men wear kilts! yeah…” joke
And large penised men should remain clueless in the “other skills” department to give us.. errrr I mean those poor small dicked guys a chance
Retrosexuals don’t describe objects with terms like “precious,” “cute,” or “adorable.”
Retrosexuals don’t choose favorite sports teams by the colors on the jersey’s.
Mmmmm…men in kilts…..
I put it on MY site. How about you guys?
Scroll down on the right side to see the banner I made that links to this post.
Out-fucking-standing!!!!!
Fuck those pussies!
Now, all y’all jest don’t get too confused. Down south here, we got yore “Rural-sex’yals”.
Jest though y’all’d like to know, seein’ as yore confused about yore sex’yalty.
Graumagus,
A very good post. Although I would argue that it doesn’t quite go far enough. IMO, some of the things you’ve posted in your code can and should apply to women as well. Not that I’m suggesting that women should be butch, but in particular the DEALING WITH SHIT and especially the bit about tools. I was raised by a single mother, and she was a tough women who DEALT WITH SHIT. Overly sissified behavior pisses me off, regardless of what gender I see it in. If I may quote the late, great science fiction writer Rober Heinlen:
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
-Dio
I like that quote. And I agree, women should deal with shit too. I would love it if my wife would just deal with ME whenever I do something that pisses her off (usually with me being oblivious) instead of letting it fester for weeks then letting it spew forth.
Addition to the acceptable reasons to cry: Loss of a car and/or truck.
Even then, it is only acceptable for a period of ten minutes. After said ten minutes, you must dry up, say your final goodbyes, and go out memorial drinking with your friends.
A retrosexual will never raise a finger in anger at a woman, and any male who strikes a woman in anger will recieve a 9mm hemmorhage, to be dealt by the closest retrosexual at hand.