Indulgences

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

Seems the People’s Republik of Illinois fucked up and bounced 85 checks to Lotto winners.

As broke as the state is, this wasn’t a case of there not being funds to pay, but the kind of clusterfuck we peasant subjects owned by the Lords of Chicago have come to expect from our public (cough) “servants”.

This got me thinking the other day of how, since this state has the worst credit rating in the nation (suck it Cali!), we could use time tested methods to pay off debts and raise revenue.

No no nononono…. none of that lower taxes, create a business friendly environment bullshit for Illinois. That’s crazy talk.

I’m talking about selling secular Indulgences.

Indulgences became increasingly popular in the Middle Ages as a reward for displaying piety and doing good deeds, though, doctrinally speaking, the Church stated that the indulgence was only valid for temporal punishment for sins already forgiven in the Sacrament of Confession. The faithful asked that indulgences be given for saying their favourite prayers, doing acts of devotion, attending places of worship, and going on pilgrimage; confraternities wanted indulgences for putting on performances and processions; associations demanded that their meetings be rewarded with indulgences. Money raised by indulgences was used for many righteous causes, both religious and civil; building projects funded by indulgences include churches, hospitals, leper colonies, schools, roads, and bridges.[37]
However, the later Middle Ages saw the growth of considerable abuses. Greedy commissaries sought to extract the maximum amount of money for each indulgence.[39] Professional “pardoners”[4] (quaestores in Latin) – who were sent to collect alms for a specific project – practiced the unrestricted sale of indulgences. Many of these quaestores exceeded Church teachings, whether in avarice or ignorant zeal, and promised impossible rewards like salvation from eternal damnation in return for money.[37] With the permission of the Church, indulgences also became a way for Catholic rulers to fund expensive projects, such as Crusades and cathedrals, by keeping a significant portion of the money raised from indulgences in their lands.[37] There was a tendency to forge documents declaring that indulgences had been granted.[37] Indulgences grew to extraordinary magnitude, in terms of longevity and breadth of forgiveness.

Granted, there is already a system like this in place, but instead of the normal method of campaign contributions, kickbacks to union leaders, etc. we could have a codified system in which a normal citizen such as myself could pony up some scratch for the opportunity to engage in behavior that would normally land me in front of a judge.

For instance, I would gladly cough up a couple grand a year to be allowed to taser anyone who blocks passerby via stopping and having a conversation in a supermarket doorway.

Since pensions for public sector union members are bankrupting the state, I suggest that teachers should be allowed to trade in a percentage of the annual taxpayer share for their retirement for the right to slap the shit out of one student a week.

If the state owed me a grand from a lotto ticket, I should be allowed at least 20 counts of public urination free.

They could give me a “Free Pee” punch card.

I like the idea of a percentage of income too, therefore some rich guy would be on equal footing with everyone else (normally I’m not even in the same zipcode with the idea of government enforced “equality”, but if someone could buy a coupon to kick me in the balls scot free I want to be able to afford to return the favor).

Possibilities….

5 Responses to “Indulgences”

  1. I wonder…perhaps a split of sorts. Part of the winnings paid in cash, and part in “indulgences”. So I would have enough money to go vacationing while having the indulgence in the back pocket which would allow me to bitch slap the TSA agent at the airport gate (or perhaps grope THEM for a change) with out any fear of repercussions. The best of both worlds!!

  2. Please move to Wisconsin.

  3. I’m with ya. Especially on the supermarket taser thing.

  4. ……or Kansas. You’d probably find a nice gig in the Aerospace Business here. Big Fred has the right idea. Illinois isn’t the world’s most business friendly hacienda. Call Rahm and ask him. I’m sure he would give it to you straight.

    Also,
    Why in the quiescent mode??? What up, Playa? Your fans need a fix!!!

    30K hits is on the near horizon…..keep the momentum going!!!

  5. Involuntary semi-hiatus is simply because I’ve been busy as shit. Seriously, I have been even hitting the sack early so I can get up earlier to get stuff done before work. That and making cheese (posts on that to follow)

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